It's my birthday, bitches! The Hawkaroo turns 71 years young today which means I have spent all or parts of eight different decades on this circular pile of shit we call Earth.
And let The Hawkaroo tell you, his 71 years on this planet have been better than yours and there's nothing you can do over the rest of your lives to change that. I will always be The Hawkaroo and you will always be whoever the fuck you are.
Now just because The Hawkaroo lives a life that's already better than yours, that doesn't mean there isn't a list of things you should get him for his birthday. I am still your superior, and you should still bring me gifts and then pray to YAZ I let you live.
So if you haven't bought me my birthday gift yet, here's a list of shit I want.
- More cocaine
- More hookers
- Better cocaine
- Better cocaine that costs less than the cocaine I'm buying now
- Quieter hookers
- Preparation H wipes - I got a hemorrhoid bigger than Steve Stone's ego
- Speaking of Steve Stone, a new broadcast partner
- A gift card to Benihana's - I fucking love that place
- One more night with Jamie Kotsay
- Ted Williams' frozen head
- Two more nights with Lisa Dergan
- Detroit and Cleveland to move to the National League or just get hit by an asteroid, whichever is easier
- A division title
- A World Series title
- At least 50 more birthdays
- For somebody to finally kill Darrin Jackson
- A new shovel
- To hear Gavin Floyd read out loud
- For somebody to put that shit on the board
What are you waiting for? Go get my damn birthday gift!