Monday, May 14, 2012

NotHawk's Monday Mailbag: Josh Hamilton Ain't Shit

Every Monday on South Side Asylum NotHawk will answer your questions. Your questions do not have to be related to the White Sox, for NotHawk is the smartest man in the world and has answers for everything. He is also incredibly handsome. Send your questions to or ask him on Twitter.

You'll have to forgive me, I'm in a bad mood. It all started with the White Sox the last few days, watching the god damn Kansas City Royals hold them to only one fucking run over two games.

One run!

Holy shit, this offense is terrible. Do you realize that of the regular nine starters, four of them have a batting average of .210 or lower?

The White Sox had six players go to the plate with a batting average below .200 on Sunday, and it would have been seven if Alexei Ramirez didn't have the day off.

The lineups I played in never had batting averages that low, and in my day the pitchers were allowed to throw three balls at a time from a mound that was forty feet high.

Then to make matters worse, I got home on Sunday night and got ready to watch Game of Thrones. Which I did, but it pissed me off because there was no nudity in this week's episode.

I'm not watching for the story, assholes.

So now you can understand why I'm in such a bad mood.

Let's just get to the questions.

The Rangers television station just put up a graphic comparing Josh Hamilton to YAZ. Your thoughts? - @JerodMorris

My thoughts? My thoughts are it's bullshit. Josh Hamilton has had a good week. YAZ HAD A HALL OF FAME CAREER.

Other things that YAZ didn't do that Josh Hamilton did?

Well, YAZ didn't do drugs because he was fucking YAZ and if you were lucky enough to be YAZ you would know that being YAZ was the only drug any man would ever need.

Like Josh Hamilton, YAZ played in two World Series, and lost both. Unlike Josh Hamilton, YAZ didn't shit his pants on the big stage. YAZ hit .352 with 3 home runs and 9 RBI in 14 World Series games.

Josh Hamilton has hit .184 with 2 home runs and 7 RBI.

Maybe Josh would have hit better if there were more fathers around to kill during the World Series. That's where he gets his strength after all. From killing dads and mainlining cocaine and freebasing meth.

So what are my thoughts about the Rangers television station comparing YAZ to Josh Hamilton. It's Texas. What the fuck does Texas know about baseball greatness?

What kind of drugs did you give Chris Sale? - @codyxtyler

Looking at Chris Sale, you would think he does plenty of drugs already. Everything about him screams "I sold my mom's microwave for meth money" but the truth is, Chris has never done drugs. Until last week anyway.

See, I went up to Chris and asked him how he was doing after that whole closer fiasco and his sore elbow business. He told me his elbow was sore, but he thought he could deal with it. He also said he wished Robin and Coop would let him start.

And that's when I told him there was one way he could do both.

I busted out the eight ball then and there, Chris snorted it up like a pro, and magically his elbow didn't hurt any more. He was also brave enough to call Kenny and demand he be made a starter again.

Cocaine is a hell of a drug, people.

How much blow or hookers would it take to have you fight Rex Hudler to the death? - @The_Ryan_Brown

You know how I know you're an asshole, Ryan? Because only an asshole would think enough of himself to put the word "the" in front of their name. But the underscores between your names?

That tells me you're not just an asshole, but a douchebag too.

As for your question, none. Rex Hudler has to wake up every day and be Rex Hudler. It's only a matter of time before he flings himself out of a broadcast booth.

What kind of things do you teach the interns? - @Turd_Ferguson

I try to avoid the interns because they're sub-human, but it's important to teach them how to revive an older gentleman who may or may not have done too much cocaine. I'm fairly sure I'm immortal, but it doesn't hurt to take precautions.

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