Monday, May 7, 2012

NotHawk's Monday Mailbag: The Hawkaroo Did Not Miss You


Every Monday on South Side Asylum NotHawk will answer your questions. Your questions do not have to be related to the White Sox, for NotHawk is the smartest man in the world and has answers for everything. He is also incredibly handsome. Send your questions to NotHawkTwitter@gmail.com or ask him on Twitter.

Wow, it's been a while since we've had a mailbag. You've had to go an entire three weeks without getting some wonderful advice from me, and that's been incredibly hard on you.

I would apologize for my absence and for hurting you, but the truth is I just don't give a shit about any of you. To be perfectly honest, I don't get anything from you. I'm not being paid to write here, I'm doing it on my own.

The truth is you assholes should be apologizing to me. Or paying me. Yeah, you should all start paying me. I take money in all its forms. Cash, check, Paypal, white powder. Anyway you can send it, I'll accept it.

In fact a good way to make sure your question gets included in the mailbag is to send $20 along with it. Go ahead, try it next week. You'll see.

Anyway, let's get to the god damn questions.

Did you spend your vacation with YAZ? - @BMore5


Where did you and YAZ go? - @DaSox242

Aren't you two clever, being able to think up the same question.

No, YAZ did not go with me on vacation. We aren't lovers. We're strictly close friends. As close as two men can be without physically penetrating one another and staring into the other one's eyes and knowing, in just that instant when the eye contact is made, that everything is going to be all right. That there is a purpose to this life we've been given, and that when it's all said and done, no matter what, we'll always have each other.

Wait, what was your question?

No, YAZ didn't go on vacation with me.

Any confirmation on what Indians closer Chris Perez was yelling at Alex Rios? - @DanKveton

He was yelling "Please don't make me go back to Cleveland!!! Please let me live with you in Chicago, Alex! You don't understand how terrible Cleveland is! It's like boredom brought to life. Not a concept or a feeling, but like boredom was a living breathing thing, but only instead of just being boring, it smelled funny and it was stupid too! Please, Alex! I will give you so many handies!!"

Then Alex got pissed off because you can't pay rent with handjobs.

Ever have a pitcher yell at you while on the mound? - @galos11 

Funny you should ask. We were at old Cleveland Stadium in June 1968. I was with the Red Sox, batting behind YAZ. We were playing Cleveland, which was just as shitty as it is now, but without internet porn, and Luis Tiant was pitching for the Tribe.

Luis Tiant was a great pitcher and wore my ass out. But not that day. Nope, that day I homered off Luis in the fifth and then again in the sixth inning. After the second homer, I admired it for a bit, and Luis said some shit to me in Spanish.

I told him to relax, it wasn't every day I got to homer twice off the great Luis Tiant. That only seemed to piss him off more.

So then in my next at bat, Eddie Fisher had come on for Luis, and he threw the first pitch straight at my head. He then yelled at me and said I was lucky he didn't kill me for admiring my shot, and that if it was him pitching, he would have killed me.

So I said "Hey Eddie," as he went looked in for the signs after that.

"My dick," I yelled as he went into his wind-up.

"SUCK IT," I bellowed as I watched my third home run of the day sail into the left field bleachers.

Oh I admired the fuck out of that one too.

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