Wednesday, April 4, 2012

NotPreviews: The Minnesota Twins

The 2011 regular season is approaching fast, and though this is a White Sox blog, it would make sense that we take a look at our competition. So as we get closer to opening day, NotHawk will preview each one of the White Sox Central Division foes. Today NotHawk looks at the Minnesota Twins. 

2011 Record: 63-99, fifth place

It's early morning and the sun is shining bright through the windows and into the eyes of a sleeping Justin Morneau, waking him from his concussed slumber.

"Oh the light! How it hurts my brain!" exclaims Morneau.

Morneau's yelling wakes Joe Mauer, who is sleeping in the bed next to him.

"What? Is everything okay, Justin!? What's wrong?"

"It's just the bright light of the sun, Joe. It hurts my brain oh so much."

Mauer rubs Morneau's forehead and tells him "not to worry, everything is going to be all right."

SUDDENLY both men notice Carl Pavano sitting in a chair at the foot of the bed, smiling, one hand stroking his mustache and the other hand out of sight. Startled, both Mauer and Morneau fall out of bed. Morneau hits his head on the ground, knocking himself unconscious. Mauer, lying prone on the ground, finds that he can't stand up. His legs are just too tired.

Both go on the disabled list forever.

Carl Pavano goes on to make 34 starts, firing his 85MPH fastball at Twins-starter speed.

The Twins go on to win only 55 games, with 15 of those wins coming against the White Sox.

The baseball season ends, and Vikings season begins.

Twins fans then commit mass suicide.

The end.


  1. The Twins go on to win only 55 games, with 15 of those wins coming against the White Sox.

    So we're gonna beat the Twins 3 times this year? EAT SHIT YOU ICE-FISHING REJECTS, YOU'LL NEVER SWEEP THE SEASON SERIES.

  2. This was awesome.
    You have, sadly, taken much of the suspense away.
    Off I go read the others.



Feel free to vent about how much any player sucks, but no hate speech directed at anybody, be it a player or a fellow commenter.