Tuesday, April 3, 2012

NotPreviews: The Kansas City Royals

The 2012 regular season is approaching fast, and though this is a White Sox blog, it would make sense that we take a look at our competition. So as we get closer to opening day, NotHawk will preview each one of the White Sox Central Division foes. Today NotHawk looks at the Kansas City Royals.

2011 Record: 71-91, fourth place

There's optimism in Kansas City this season because the team has some good young players coming through. Alex Gordon finally broke out last year, Billy Butler is still an excellent softball player, and then there's Eric Hosmer and Mike Moustakas.

The problem for Royals fans is that they've forgotten a couple important things.

1. Bruce Chen is your opening day starter. It doesn't matter what your lineup looks like, if you have anything short of nine YAZs in your lineup every day, you aren't winning a god damn thing with Bruce Chen as your opening day starter. This isn't an opinion, it's fucking scientific fact.

2. You're the Kansas City Royals. Sorry, but accept it, you're going to suck because you're the Royals. There's no getting around it. You're the American League's answer to the Pittsburgh Pirates. Nothing you have done since the 1980s has fucking mattered.

I don't tell you this to be an asshole. Okay, maybe I'm telling you this to be an asshole, but I'm also telling you this as a favor. Don't let yourself get too excited about this team, because it's only going to end in disappointment.

Sal Perez and Joakim Soria were warning shots. Fate trying to give you a heads up on what the next six months is going to be like. At the rate things are going, Royals fans should consider 2012 a success if Eric Hosmer comes out the other side with all four of his limbs still attached and in working order.

Instead you should take a look at the good things about being a Royals fan. You have a nice ballpark. You live in the second best city in the division.

Seriously, the Hawk loves Kansas City. I hope that when I finally die I'm found face down in a pair of titties I've smothered in barbeque sauce from LC's.

The city is fucking delicious. If it wasn't filled with people from Kansas City, it might be one of the best places on Earth.

But your baseball team fucking sucks, and in the grand scheme of things, it shouldn't be that big of a deal to you.


  1. As Jimmy Piersall told us many years ago, we're just a bunch of dumb farmers. But we know how to pronounce Freddie Patek's name correctly, so we've got that going for us.

  2. They will win something with Bruce Chen. They will win every damn game he pitches against the Sox. It doesn't matter what shit players KC has. They are all White Sox killers.


Feel free to vent about how much any player sucks, but no hate speech directed at anybody, be it a player or a fellow commenter.