Monday, April 2, 2012

NotPreviews: The Detroit Tigers


The 2012 regular season is approaching fast, and though this is a White Sox blog, it would make sense that we take a look at our competition. So as we get closer to opening day, NotHawk will preview each one of the White Sox Central Division foes. Today NotHawk looks at the Detroit Tigers.

2011 Record: 95-67, first place

So what if the Detroit Tigers are the best team in the AL Central? That's like saying you're the best player on the Houston Astros. It doesn't take a whole lot.

Plus they have to play in Detroit, and while Detroit isn't as bad as Cleveland, it's basically the same thing as being the second worst player on the Astros. The place still blows. People don't go across the border to Windsor just to gamble, they go to Windsor because they'd rather be in Windsor than in Detroit.

Do you hear that, Detroit? PEOPLE WOULD RATHER BE IN CANADA THAN YOU. CANADA. THE WHITE BREAD OF COUNTRIES.

Anyway, I'm getting off point here. What I'm trying to say is that the Astros really suck. Hard. We need them to get to the American League as fast as possible for the extra wins.

As for the Tigers, they don't suck. They're actually pretty good, and the fact is that they're probably going to run away with the division. Sure, somebody, maybe even the White Sox, will make things look a lot closer into July, and possibly even August, but once September hits this shit will have already been decided.

So what if the Tigers lost Victor Martinez? They replaced his fat ass with somebody even fatter in Prince Fielder, which gives the Tigers the fattest set of corner infielders in baseball history. If somebody on this roster is in need of a slumpbuster, he won't even have to leave the clubhouse.

The rest of the division is basically reduced to hoping that Prince Fielder gets really depressed about having to live in Detroit and eats himself out of baseball, Miguel Cabrera fires his chauffeur, and Justin Verlander's arm falls off. Oh, and opponents should also hope that Jim Leyland finds a way to get Brandon Inge 600 at bats.

If those things happen then this becomes roughly an 80-win team, and that's manageable for the rest of the division. If they don't, well, good fucking luck.

Other NotPreviews

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