Sunday, April 1, 2012

NotPreviews: The Cleveland Indians

The 2012 regular season is approaching fast, and though this is a White Sox blog, it would make sense that we take a look at our competition. So as we get closer to opening day, NotHawk will preview each one of the White Sox Central Division foes. Today NotHawk looks at the Cleveland Indians.

2011 record: 80-82, second place

In the movie "Major League" there's a montage of fans reading a newspaper listing the roster of the latest installment of the Cleveland Indians, and one guy stops and says "Who the fuck are these guys?"

I know the feeling. Every time the Indians come to town, or even worse, I have to go to Cleveland, I look at the names in the media guide and wonder "Who the fuck are these guys?"

I mean, Jack Hannahan?

Ass Dribble Cabrera?

Lonnie Jizzandballs?

Jeanmar Gomez?

Aaron Cunningham?

Vinnie Pestano?

Ain't Vinnie Pestano one of the assholes on Jersey Shore?

How the fuck did this team finish second in the division last year? Can the AL Central really be that bad? 

Yes, it can, but that's beside the point. We're here to talk about the Cleveland Indians. A team I once had to play for. Which means I had to live in hell on earth itself: Cleveland. What a shithole.

You think it's a coincidence I spent three season playing in Cleveland and decided "fuck it, I'm gonna become a professional golfer?"

No wonder this team hasn't won a World Series since 1948. If you had to spend half the year living in Cleveland, you'd be too depressed to even wake up and face another morning, let alone win a god damn World Series. Hell, we should commend the Indians for somehow managing to keep the suicide rate on the team down to 0%. It's probably the greatest accomplishment in baseball history.

People often wondered why Indians fans booed Jim Thome whenever he'd return in a White Sox uniform. It's not because he took a bunch of money to go to Philadelphia and was now playing in the uniform of a division rival.

It was because that son of a bitch actually figured out a way to get the hell out of Cleveland. Nobody in that stadium booing him has been able to do it, which is why they're in that stadium. Cuz, trust me, once you get out, you don't fucking go back.

I'm shocked that whenever Cleveland goes on a west coast road trip it doesn't mirror the Cuban national baseball team, with defections everywhere on the roster.

Grady Sizemore hiding in a garbage can until the plane leaves.

Hell, when the possibility that Shin-Soo Choo would have to return to South Korea to fulfill his military obligations came up, I'm shocked he didn't jump at the chance to go get blown to hell by Kim Jong-Il rather than live in Cleveland.

What I'm trying to say is, Cleveland fucking blows. The city, and by extension, its baseball team. Yeah, they finished in second place last season, but they didn't win even half their games. They won't win half of them this season either.

If they're lucky the whole city will just collapse in on itself at some point and vanish off the face of the earth.

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