Thursday, April 5, 2012

NotPreviews: The Chicago White Sox

The 2011 regular season is approaching fast, and though this is a White Sox blog, it would make sense that we take a look at our competition. So as we get closer to opening day, NotHawk will preview each one of the White Sox Central Division foes. Of course, what would a series of previews be if we didn't have him do the White Sox as well?

2011 Record: 79-83

It's almost here, ladies and gentlemen. Right now there are teams playing baseball games that actually count, even if none of them are the White Sox. But do not worry, for on Friday the White Sox will begin their 162-game march to greatness.

That's right. I'm expecting great things from the White Sox this season. As I've often said, if you think you can or you think you can't, you're right. And damn it, I think we can.

The White Sox will take the field on Friday afternoon against the Texas Rangers and begin the process of surprising the hell out of everybody.

John Danks will pitch to his contract.

Chris Sale will become a dominant starter just as he was a dominant reliever.

Jake Peavy won't fall apart.

Adam Dunn will hit 500 foot homers.

Alex Rios won't suck too terribly.

Paul Konerko will be Paul Konerko.

Robin Ventura will prove to be more than capable of managing a baseball team.

Then, at the end of the season, the White Sox will douse themselves in champagne after clinching the AL Central, and we'll all laugh at ourselves for thinking that the Tigers, who have finished 81-81, were so god damn invincible.

We'll then go into the postseason as a big underdog against whichever group of assholes we have to play, and dispose of them with ease before moving on to the World Series and winning another championship.

It will happen. You'll see.

Hahahahahaha, no it won't. We'll be lucky to get to 80 wins this year, and I'll be on the verge of throwing people out of the booth by June. More hookers will die in the Chicagoland area than ever before, with none of the murders being solved, but all signs pointing to an incredibly handsome man who is likely a scratch golfer.

And everything will be fine, because god damn it, baseball is back. And shitty baseball is always better than no baseball because it's fucking baseball.

So sit back, relax, and strap it down. 2012 is here. Let's get on with it, motherfuckers.

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