Monday, April 16, 2012

NotHawk's Monday Mailbag: RIP Kenny Powers

Every Monday on South Side Asylum NotHawk will answer your questions. Your questions do not have to be related to the White Sox, for NotHawk is the smartest man in the world and has answers for everything. He is also incredibly handsome. Send your questions to or ask him on Twitter.

I don't watch a lot of television, because I actually have a life that is worth living, and I don't need to supplement my life with the fictional lives of characters on a television show like most of you people do, but there was one show the last few years that I grew fond of.

A show that I feel isn't getting enough attention.

While there are plenty of people talking about shows like Game of Thrones -- the show for virgins because it has tits and dragons -- and Mad Men -- the show for every white person who has gotten laid, but is probably married or just leading a pointless existence -- nobody is talking about Eastbound and Down.

The fucking series finale was last night, and it feels like nobody cares.

Well, The Hawkaroo cares. The Hawkaroo loved Kenny Powers because The Hawkaroo is Kenny Powers. Two outspoken, hard-drinking, coke-binging, baseball dynamos with southern roots. We are the men the world wants to be.

I'm not entirely sure the show wasn't based on my life.

So, now that it has ended, and in glorious FUCK YOU fashion, I'd like to recognize it here.

Thank you, Kenny Powers, for helping teach the rest of the world how real fucking people live. Rest in peace.

If the White Sox media members were forced to compete in the Hunger Games, who's your money on? - @AtTravisMiller

I have not read these books, because I have a penis and I'm over 12 years old, but I do know what they're about. My wife read them and talked about them incessantly. Still, not even the appeal of a sport that features kids killing each other for food could draw me in, because if my wife likes it, it's probably not that great.

If I were to pit the White Sox media members against each other in a similar battle to the death, I'd have to bet on Joe Cowley to win. The reasoning for this is that I won't even invite Cowley to join, he'll just sneak in unwanted, hide the entire time, and then when all the other beat writers have killed each other off he'll just sneak up behind the now one-legged, one-armed Mark Gonzalez and shoot him with a gun because guns will have been banned.

Then he'll declare himself The People's Champ, tell us to play his damn music, and I'll blow his fucking head off from my skybox with a sniper's rifle.

So, really, the world would win.

Have you ever done cocaine with an Oompa Loompa? - @codyxtyler

First of all, they prefer to be called little people.

Second of all, of course I have.

When was the last time you woke up with a debilitating hangover? - @Davey_Dagger

See previous question.

Coming to Chicago in September for a Sox game. How much blow should I anticipate on bringing? - @The_Ryan_Brown

No offense, Ryan, but you look like a pussy in your avatar. So I wouldn't bring too much because your pussy heart will explode after three lines anyway. Actually, yeah, bring a ton of cocaine. You look like the kind of man that can and has fit many different things in his ass. So smuggle in an entire kilo, do a few lines, die, and then I'll take the rest.

Would you ever consider mentoring a writer to start a North Side Asylum? Cubs sites generally suck. We need someone trained in the art of SSA-style commentary. - Friggio A

The fuck kind of name is Friggio?

As for a North Side Asylum, first of all, Fornelli will sue your ass if you start a North Side Asylum. Second of all, there's no point to starting a Cubs blog because the greatest Cubs blog of all time has already been written.

It was called The Diary of Anne Frank.

1 comment:

  1. Anne Frank was an attic hideaway, not a cellar dweller.


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