Monday, April 9, 2012

NotHawk's Monday Mailbag: Damn It, I'm In Cleveland

Every Monday on South Side Asylum NotHawk will answer your questions. Your questions do not have to be related to the White Sox, for NotHawk is the smartest man in the world and has answers for everything. He is also incredibly handsome. Send your questions to or ask him on Twitter.

Baseball is a cruel sport. It's a sport designed so that, even when you're successful, you fail more often than you succeed. It even finds a way to kick you in the nuts when you're no longer playing.

For instance, though I enjoy the offseason, I was really looking forward to opening day. As spring training came the excitement kept building and building. Then after a long wait, it was finally here this weekend.

And the excitement lasted for three days. Why?

Because this morning I woke up and I was in Cleveland.

Fucking Cleveland.

When God created the Earth, he was eating snacks the entire time because creating planets makes you hungry. After eating all those snacks he had to take a shit. So he did.

And there was Cleveland.

Every year I beg Bud Selig to move the Indians to the National League so I don't have to come here so often, but that son of a bitch never listens to me. Then the schedulers don't even let me enjoy an entire week's worth of the season before they send me to this cesspool of humanity.

Fuck you, baseball.

Let's get to the god damn questions.

Did anybody get more road beef than Yaz? - @NeilGrand

Everybody got more road beef than YAZ, because YAZ didn't waste his time with any of the dumb whores who generally surround baseball players. He was too busy being the greatest god damn baseball player to ever live.

Though Rico Petrocelli got a ton of pussy telling women he was YAZ, so if you look at it that way, he got some.

But none got more than the Hawkaroo. Look at this face. Panties spontaneously combust when I walk in a room.

How do you like those matching WGN polos? - @Patrick_Gannon

You were probably pissed at me when I didn't answer this question on Saturday, weren't you Patrick? Now here I am answering your dumb question, and you're probably not even reading this. I planned it this way.

Can you see my middle finger? It's in the air and it's looking right at you.

How potentially combustible is AJ if Flowers starts getting 1 to 2 starts per week? - @JerodMorris

You know, I thought AJ would be bothered by the fact he was sitting in only the second game of the season, but it turns out that he was too busy playing video games on whatever that fucking thing is he's always carrying around. The team came back in the clubhouse after winning the game all happy, and AJ looked up from his chair like "what happened?"

Somebody told him that they won and he said he didn't even realize the game had started.

Of course, even if he had noticed, what the fuck can he say? The Sox haven't lost a game all season in which he didn't play.

Are you friends with Mike Honcho? Did the Easter Bunny bring you an eight ball, malt liquor and a cigar? - @vegasoz

I don't know what the fuck a Mike Honcho is, but yeah, we're totally friends.

Also, I'm not sure why somebody hasn't told you, but the Easter Bunny isn't real. That's just what your mom called whatever asshole she brought home from the bar to bang while you sat in your bedroom playing with your Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

And if the Easter Bunny did exist, why the fuck would he bring me malt liquor? Do I look fucking poor to you?

Where the hell was your NotHawk's Bar video last week? - Fornelli

FUCK YOU. I don't know if  you noticed but I had this thing called OPENING DAY on Friday. So I was just a little fucking busy.

And it'll be back this Friday.

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