Monday, March 12, 2012

NotHawk's Monday Mailbag: Let's Hand Out Some Nicknames

Every Monday on South Side Asylum NotHawk will answer your questions. Your questions do not have to be related to the White Sox, for NotHawk is the smartest man in the world and has answers for everything. He is also incredibly handsome. Send your questions to or ask him on Twitter.

Who's the best you've ever seen at filling out a bracket? AJ? - @schroeder8170

AJ is terrible at filling out a bracket. I haven't seen his yet, but I'll guarantee you he has Florida winning it all. Plus he runs the pool in the clubhouse, and he goes around collecting every bracket from the guys by doing the Gator Chomp and snatching it out of their hands.

Then he wonders why people don't like him.

Oh, and if you're looking to join the Hawkaroo's NCAA pool, you can go right here and do just that for free. If you win I'll tell everybody on Twitter that your penis is three feet long and nine inches wide. The password to join the group is YAZ. What else?

What do you do when you aren't getting bitches? - @selgzx24x

First of all, that's a great Twitter handle. It's as if you were sitting around thinking up a name and said to yourself "Hmmmm, what name can I give myself to ensure that everybody just assumes I'm spam and blocks my ass....I know!! I'll call myself @selgzx24x!! I'm so fucking smart!"

As for what I do when I'm not getting bitches, I call White Sox baseball games. If I'm not in the booth, then believe me, I'm out getting bitches.

What improvements to the broadcast will you make for 2012 after the dead last ratings? - @Chiumbrella

Dead last ratings? What the fuck are you talking about? We did just fine in the ratings. Do you mean the FanGraphs rankings?

Fuck FanGraphs. I ain't changing shit for a bunch of fucking nerds who spend their entire lives wishing somebody would invent some kind of calculator/Fleshlight hybrid.

The Fleshulator.

Holy shit, I should be patenting that.

If Paulie has a 16,000 square foot big is the Yaz residence? - @TheKman84

One billion round planets.

If Catfish Hunter played today would his house be bigger than Paul Konerko's? - @eloera1

You and The Kman coordinate clothes too?

Having been to Catfish's house a couple of times, I can assure you that no matter how much money Catfish made, he'd still live in the same double-wide trailer he died in, and he'd never drink anything other than Icehouse.

Some people say the way Catfish lived was charming. I'm not one of those people. There's a reason I'd only been to his house a couple of times.

I think that this #Kony2012 guy is starting to pick up steam with his web based campaign. Any chance he can be the POTUS? - @ChiSoxFanDan

I tell you what, the son of a bitch has my vote. He's been able to train a bunch of fucking kids to be in an army. I'm not sure President Obama or any of the Republican candidates can even tie their own fucking shoes.

There's a lot of new faces on the team this year. What new nicknames can we look forward too? - Adam Zwirek, The Oral Sox Podcast

I've been working on these for a while, and didn't want to debut them just yet. But what the fuck, you only live once.

Leyson Septimo = Septimomeister
Dan Johnson = Danmeister
Jordan Danks = Danksmeister Jr
Trayce Thompson = Traycemeister
Dylan Axelrod = Rodmeister
Simon Castro = Simeister
Nestor Molina = Nestromancer
Donnie Veal = Vealmeister, but Fornelli's "Babymeat" is good too.
Addison Reed = GAAAAAAASmeister
Eduardo Escobar = Escomeister

Think they're all pretty great.

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