Monday, March 19, 2012

NotHawk's Monday Mailbag: I'll See You In The Next Life, Brent O'Lillibridge


Every Monday on South Side Asylum NotHawk will answer your questions. Your questions do not have to be related to the White Sox, for NotHawk is the smartest man in the world and has answers for everything. He is also incredibly handsome. Send your questions to NotHawkTwitter@gmail.com or ask him on Twitter.

This week's version of the Mailbag is a little light since I spent my entire Saturday getting plastered and my Sunday recovering. And thinking back to the hazy memories of my weekend, I get a bit teary-eyed as I think of a dear friend that I lost on Saturday.

As you may or may not be aware of, depending on if you were on Twitter Saturday, I hired a midget to be my own personal leprechaun on Saturday. I named him Brent O'Lillibridge, and he was awesome.

Together we hit bar after bar, downing drink after drink, and drunken girl after drunken girl would approach him as if he had $100 bills pinned all over his body (for about an hour, he did, and you know that shit was awesome).

Anything I asked him to do, he did it. He was the most loyal friend I've ever had.

If I said ride that girl around the bar like a horse, he rode that girl around the bar like a horse.

If I said to get on top of the bar and do a strip tease, there was a little leprecock swinging in the faces of drunken revelers within seconds.

If I told him we were going to do this entire Ziploc bag of cocaine, we did, and sadly, that's where the fun ended.

On Saturday I joked on Twitter that I was going to find out how much cocaine a leprechaun could snort before his heart exploded.

Turns out it wasn't much.

I lost a good friend on Saturday night. Well, I didn't lose him. I left his body in an alley behind a dumpster in Lincoln Park, but you get what I'm saying.

I only knew you for a few hours, and I didn't even know what your real name was, but you were the best damn employee I've ever had. Well, I can't really call you an employee since I didn't actually pay you since you died and all, though I did buy your drinks, and that's like payment.

Plus I didn't charge you for the cocaine that killed you, but I suppose that's fair given the circumstances.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, I'll miss you Brent O'Lillibridge. See you on the other side.

All right, on to the questions.

What are you doing for St. Patrick's Day? - @JimCrago

I just fucking told you! Jesus.

(1) Where do you set the over/under on Morel hr? (2) Who is your preferred 2 hitter? - @DicksonHero

Normally I'd threaten to kill you for sneaking in two questions, but since I hardly got any questions worth shit this week, I'll allow it.

If Brent Morel gets to 15 home runs I'll consider it a raging success. Also, if some of them can come before September, that'd be cool.

My preferred 2 hitter is YAZ.

What up? - @NeilGrand

TOLD YOU THE QUESTIONS SUCKED THIS WEEK.

How are your brackets looking? - Steve, Vernon Hills

FUCK YOU, that's how they're looking.

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