Monday, March 26, 2012

NotHawk's Monday Mailbag: Bobby Jenks Is A Strip Club Amateur


Every Monday on South Side Asylum NotHawk will answer your questions. Your questions do not have to be related to the White Sox, for NotHawk is the smartest man in the world and has answers for everything. He is also incredibly handsome. Send your questions to NotHawkTwitter@gmail.com or ask him on Twitter.

I'd ask you how your weekend was, but I already know how your weekend was. It was awesome. I know this because you got to listen to The Hawk on your television on Friday night and Sunday afternoon.

My smooth voice soothed all of your souls, and made you all better people. There's no need to thank me. Just send a check.

What rehab facility would you recommend for Bobby Jenks? - @pappalegba

How did I know there would be questions about Bobby Jenks? Because I'm fucking smart, that's why. You don't spend all or parts of seven decades in the game of baseball without learning a thing or two.

As for Bobby's DUI, it's a shame for him, but it's not surprising either.

What stood out to me about the story is that the strip club he was at in Florida before he decided to take his journey across all those lanes was exclusively white. As in, all the strippers were white.

I didn't even know that shit was legal, let alone in a state that I call home.

I also don't get why anybody would want to go to a strip club with nothing but white women. When I go to the strip club, I want variety. It's like going to a party with an open bar and drinking nothing but Miller Lite.

THE WHISKY IS FREE TOO, YOU ASSHOLE. DRINK THAT SHIT UP WHILE YOU DON'T HAVE TO PAY FOR IT. TRY SHIT YOU'VE NEVER HAD BEFORE. THEN WHEN THE BARTENDER TURNS AROUND PUT YOUR HAND OVER THE TIP JAR SO WHEN HE TURNS BACK AROUND IT LOOKS LIKE YOU PUT A DOLLAR IN THAT SHIT.

I do the same thing with strippers. I place the dollar in their g-string, but I never let it go. It works because it's dark in there and strippers are generally stupid.

Oh, I'm sorry, some are smart. They're totally just working their way through college. Sure. Fucking Destiny is going to be a neurosurgeon, and you're fucking dumber than they are.

Now that we've seen Jenks' mugshot, can we see one of your retro ones from back in the day? - @Chiumbrella

You know that when you say retro, it implies back in the day, right? You're using more words than you have to. That's fucking sloppy. Tighten your god damn questions up, Hawkamaniacs.

And no, you can't, because none exist. The Hawk has never been arrested because he's The Fucking Hawk.

NotHawk for Illinois basketball coach. - @2Rudys

That's not a question, but since everybody else is doing it, I'd like to turn the offer down.

Sorry, but the Hawkaroo isn't a college basketball fan. If you need proof, look at how I'm doing in my bracket pool. There are just better things to do with my time than watch people dribble around and miss jumpshots for two hours.


Who did more cocaine: you or Lamar Hoyt? Also, is it true you guys tried to snort the right field foul line at Fenway? - @vegasoz

Anytime the question is "who did more cocaine, you..." it's always me. Believe that.

And no we didn't try to snort the foul line at Fenway. It's fucking chalk, not cocaine. You think we were crackheads?

I saw your animated video last week. Even as a cartoon, you are undeniably sexy. But why didn't it sound like your dulcet, velvety smooth voice? - Lisa, Prospect Heights

The Hawk is sexy in all forms, baby, but thank you for noticing.

The reason it didn't sound like my voice is simple. Because I don't want to lose my job. The only reason I still have my job is because I put the word "Not" in front of my name in my Twitter handle. You think I could get away with half the shit I say on Twitter if the White Sox knew it was me?

So if I used my voice, everybody would know that it's actually me. Also the site I used charges you if you want to use actual audio, and fuck that.

1 comment:

  1. The real reason NotHawk doesn't want to coach @ U Illinois? He doesn't want to share his coke stash with the players.

    ReplyDelete

Feel free to vent about how much any player sucks, but no hate speech directed at anybody, be it a player or a fellow commenter.