Monday, February 20, 2012

NotHawk's Monday Mailbag: Save America, Kill The Earth

Every Monday on South Side Asylum NotHawk will answer your questions. Your questions do not have to be related to the White Sox, for NotHawk is the smartest man in the world and has answers for everything. He is also incredibly handsome. Send your questions to or ask him on Twitter.

How many dead hookers can fit in the back of an 84 El Dorado? - @MinnyCapsFan

I never owned an Eldorado, but lemme tell you, you could fit a lot more dead hookers in an Eldorado than you could any car today. Somewhere in the last decade this country became more concerned with gas mileage than dead hooker space, and I don't think it's any coincidence that the country is in a decline ever since.

Why did the car companies go bankrupt?

Cuz who the fuck wants to buy a car that you can't store at least 3 dead hookers in? Maybe even more if you cut them up first, though that's not really my style.

But no, we decided to worry about mileage and not destroying the environment like a bunch of damn pussies. Suddenly it's our responsibility to save the Earth, when the Earth has been saving its god damn self for millions of years.

I mean, do you think the Earth is going to sit around one day, getting ready to rip itself open and eat all of us alive, then suddenly stop and say...

"You know what. These humans are annoying as fuck. I really want to get rid of them, but they did make smaller cars and tried to leave a smaller 'footprint.' Fuck it, I'll let them live!"

Nope. This planet doesn't give a fuck about you, so why should you give a fuck about this planet?

It's gonna kill us at some point. That point being whenever the fuck it wants to. It doesn't matter what we do. It's killed all sorts of life before, and it'll continue to kill life anytime it wants, and it'll survive.

And that's why we need to go back to building bigger cars. If you want to make them electric or hydrogen-fueled, that's fucking fine, just make them bigger. Faster. Able to not only run over 4-6 hookers at a time without slowing down, but also able to transport those dead hookers to the nearest desert/drainage ditch/Central American country with ease.

Bigger is fucking better. When our cars were big, this country ruled the world. We were too busy dominating the globe to give a fuck about the Earth.

We need to get back to that.

It's halftime, America...I mean, it's the seventh-inning stretch, America. Time to get out there and kill some hookers.

What is a hiney bird? - @NeilGrand

Essentially it's a term I use for anybody who talks out of their ass. Like there's a bird that peaks out of the guy's asshole once in a while to say something stupid. On the hiney bird pyramid of ass talkery, Jay Mariotti was the majestic eagle.

Does Stony enjoy poetry? - @JayCutlersThumb

Only if it's free.

Orlando Cabrera or Royce Clayton? -

A fantastic question, I just wish you could have left your actual name or Twitter handle. Two very similar personalities, and neither were incredibly popular in Chicago. Both for good reason. If I'm going to pick one it's easy.

Give me Orlando Cabrera.

He was only here for a season, he was a total asshole, and he wasn't exactly stellar defensively, but he did hit .281 and drive in 57 runs in 2008. Plus the White Sox won the division that year and went to the playoffs. Yeah, Orlando was an asshole with the superpower of getting out of the clubhouse in 120 seconds after the final out, but he had a knack for being on winning teams.

Royce Clayton only had a knack for looking silly with cornrows.

What will happen first: Adam Dunn eats 200 brats or Adam Dunn 200 strikeouts? - @jgrizz13

The strikeouts, but I really do think Dunn is going to bounce back this year. I truly do. I also drink a lot and do a lot of mind-altering drugs, so don't hold me to it.

Best Chisox fantasy sleeper: Dunn, Rios or Beckham? - @DicksonHero

Dunn isn't really a sleeper, he just had a bad year. A terrible, holy shit please kill me instead of making me watch him labor through another at bat year. As I said in last question, I think he's going to bounce back. So he'll probably be one of the more valuable White Sox hitters in fantasy this season.

Rios and Beckham are the sleepers, and I'm going to go with Bacon. Rios is Rios. We don't really know what Gordon is at this point. So if Bacon has a bounceback season with his bat, he could become very valuable as a fantasy player due to the fact he's a second-baseman, and there aren't exactly a lot of great-hitting second baseman.

(Edit. note: Speaking of fantasy baseball, we're still accepting "applications" for our league.)

So how do you think the white sox will do this year? I think if Dunn and Rios can get it together then we have a chance in the Central. If they suck like last year then our season is gonna be fucked up. - Shane Stanton


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