Monday, February 27, 2012
NotHawk's Monday Mailbag: Ryan Braun's Fashion Sense
Every Monday on South Side Asylum NotHawk will answer your questions. Your questions do not have to be related to the White Sox, for NotHawk is the smartest man in the world and has answers for everything. He is also incredibly handsome. Send your questions to NotHawkTwitter@gmail.com or ask him on Twitter.
Did Ryan Braun do steroids? - Jeremy H.
Probably. Nobody can really know for sure and I don't really care if he did or not. Personally I think we should worry less about what Ryan Braun is putting into his body and more about what he's putting on his body.
Look at him up there. Who the fuck dresses him? That looks like a shirt that one of the guys on Jersey Shore would choose to wear to a formal dinner where an Affliction t-shirt just won't cut it.
It's as if somebody took a perfectly decent shirt and said "Let's see how many dumb fucking pockets, buttons and other bullshit we can put on it." Then just throw a ridiculously high price tag on the son of a bitch and rich white people will think it's fashionable and have to buy it.
If you were poisoned, who would you likely suspect first? - @Ryan_Chambers
Ed Farmer, no fucking question. The man wants my job. There may be some romantics that think doing play-by-play on the radio for a baseball team is awesome, but trust me, it's not. Television is where you want to be, baby.
When I go out, people know who I am, including the ladies. When Ed Farmer goes out, nobody knows who he is because nobody knows what he looks like. The man hasn't gotten laid in 15 years.
Plus if he gets out of the radio booth he's finally free of Darrin Jackson, and I can tell you from personal experience that there are fewer sensations in life greater than knowing you are free of Darrin Jackson.
What's the real reason you live in Granger, Indiana during the season? It's because we cook the best meth, isn't it? - Mark, South Bend, IN
I may be white, but I am not poor, so I don't fuck with crystal meth.
I live in Granger because it's so close to Notre Da...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, no, that's Fornelli's team. I'll let that moron continue to care about that horseshit program.
Don't worry, Tom! They'll win 8 games again some day!
The reason I live in Granger is because how many other towns do you know have a sports bar named Between The Buns? The place just fucking speaks to me. Plus all the waitresses are ugly enough that they're not hard to sleep with, but not so ugly that you hate yourself in the morning.
Waddaya think, is this a good buy? - @stevewtam
Lube is for pussies.
I'M WRITING JOKES HERE, PEOPLE.
But it's 46% off, of course it's a good buy, dumbass. Lube can be used for so many other things other than sex. Like when the hooker gets stuck in the garbage chute after you kill her. Just squirt some lube in there, push, and leave the building calmly without drawing attention to yourself.