Monday, February 6, 2012

NotHawk's Monday Mailbag - The One Where You Ask Me About Snuff Films

Every Monday on South Side Asylum NotHawk will answer your questions. Your questions do not have to be related to the White Sox, for NotHawk is the smartest man in the world and has answers for everything. He is also incredibly handsome. Send your questions to or ask him on Twitter. 

The mailbag is back after a week off, and I'm ready to answer all your weird questions. Won't lie to you, I'm an odd man, and I've seen a lot of things, but some of your questions legitimately scare me.

Like this one.

If you could invite anyone on the Sox to watch a snuff film, would would it be and why? Of course it would be BYOC. - @pappalegba

What the fuck? What kind of sick bastard would ask that question? Oh, this tweet on Sunday explains it.

How much blow are you going to snort during blowout games this year? - @jimturano22

You drink during blowouts, you don't snort cocaine. If you snort cocaine there's absolutely no chance that you'll fall asleep.

How many times did you feel like bitch slapping that dildo Darrin Jackson? - @96GOAT

Not as much now as when I used to have to share a booth with him, but just about every time I see him. It's important to point out that it's not the number of times you hit him with a dildo, but the quality of the dildo you're hitting him with.

If you're smacking him around with a rubber one, then it'll hurt, but it won't hurt that much. So you have to repeatedly hit him to do any real damage.

But if you get one of those heavy glass dildos, one shot will do it. Save wear and tear on your arm, and there's also a possibility that the thing shatters and takes an eye with it.

Yeah, having an eyepatch is awesome, but not when you have to explain to people you got it because somebody took your eye out with a dildo.

Who's the Carl Yastrzemskiest player since Carl Yastrzemski? - @ckamka


If you could call games for another team, who would it be and why? - @chifan414

My first choice would be the Yankees or Red Sox because the odds are better that they'll be good, and at least that way I'd have a reason to still give a shit come September.

As far as my legacy is concerned, this will piss you off, but let me explain. I'd go with the Cubs.


Because now working for the White Sox people think I'm an insufferable homer. If I was calling Cubs games, and was the exact same person that I am now, I'd just be a charming drunk and they'd build me a statue for drunk college kids to piss on.

What do you think Sale's numbers will look like if he has a successful transition to the rotation? - @fallsrich

Wow, an actual baseball question. How novel.

Your question is somewhat loaded. If he has a successful transition, then his numbers have to be pretty good, right?

So I'll just give you my prediction. I think Chris is going to do just fine, even without the same velocity he has out of the bullpen. He's not going to be an ace, but he'll have one of the lowest ERAs of any Sox starters and will still go 8-15 because the offense will manage to score 27 runs in his 25 starts.

What would energize the White Sox fandom more: signing Cespedes or releasing Rios? - @CJinChitown

Signing Cespedes and then Cespedes beating Alex Rios to death with a baseball bat.

See you next week!

1 comment:

  1. To see even more baseball questions answered, check out Dan Fabian on tonight's episode of Baseball IQ. The White Sox Director of Baseball Ops will be facing off against Ron Wade from the Tigers. Excited to see how these two guys match up and thought you would be too. Plus, the winner earns $5,000 for their organization's charity.


Feel free to vent about how much any player sucks, but no hate speech directed at anybody, be it a player or a fellow commenter.