Thursday, February 23, 2012

The Asylum: Pitchers And Catchers Report


Today is the first day that White Sox pitchers and catchers report to spring training at Camelback Ranch in Glendale, Arizona. After a long winter off, the players all show up at the facility to get ready for their first workout of the spring.

Everyone has assembled in the locker room when A.J. Pierzynski, the last player to arrive shows up. He has one bag, the contents of which are a glove, an iPad, a PSP, a luchadores mask, an eight-year old copy of Details magazine, and a Florida Gators shirt and shorts.

A.J. PIERZYNSKI: What's up, assholes? Your king has returned to you!

Begins doing the Gator Chop

PIERZYNSKI: Now where the fuck is my locker?

A.J. sees his locker between Tyler Flowers and Hector Santiago. He walks over, pushing Flowers out of the way, and sits down.

PIERZYNSKI: Move over, rook. LOL. I'm just kidding! How are you?

TYLER FLOWERS: I'm good. How was your win....

PIERZYNSKI: SHUT THE FUCK UP.

Pierzynski turns to Santiago

PIERZYNSKI: Hey there! What's your name?

HECTOR SANTIAGO: Hector Santiago.

PIERZYNSKI: Oh shit, I'm sorry. Hola, mi nombre es A.J. ¿Cuál es tu nombre?

SANTIAGO: Hector Santiago.

PIERZYNSKI: ¿Hablas Inglés?

SANTIAGO: Are you kidding? I was born in New Jersey, man. I'm an American.

PIERZYNSKI: Fuck, I can't understand this guy. I thought when we fired Ozzie I wouldn't have to deal with this Spanish shit anymore. How the hell am I supposed to help this guy achieve his pitching potential if he can't understand the words coming out of my mouth?

FLOWERS: He can under..

PIERZYNSKI: DIDN'T I TELL YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP, TYLER? SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP.

FLOWERS: Jesus Christ.

Flowers gets up and walks away

PIERZYNSKI: Okay, let's try this again. Mi nombre es A.J. ¿Cuál es tu nombre?

SANTIAGO: My name is Hector Santiago. I understand English. I was born in the United States, I am an American.

PIERZYNSKI: Whoa! Slow down there, big guy! I understand the Espanol a little bit, but not when you're speaking so fast.

Santiago just stares at Pierzynski in disbelief

PIERZYNSKI: Oh, that's right, you can't understand me. I'm sorry. I'll try again. Reduzca la velocidad, mi amigo. Entiendo que el Español un poco, pero no cuando se está hablando tan rápido.

SANTIAGO: Can you understand this? Tú eres el más tonto idiota que he conocido jamás.

PIERZYNSKI: That's it! Me A.J., you Hector! ¿Quieres ver mis movimientos de lucha libre?

Don Cooper and Robin Ventura both walk into the locker room

ROBIN VENTURA: Glad to see everybody is here. We got a lot of work to do this spring.

DON COOPER: Hey, Robin, I don't think everybody's here. I haven't seen Gavin Floyd.

VENTURA: That's strange. Maybe he's late. We'll just have to start without him. Everybody out on the field in 10 minutes, we're gonna get warmed up, do some running. Get your fat asses in shape.

Ten minutes later everyone is out on the field standing along the first base line.

JAKE PEAVY: Oh man, I am so PUMPED for this season you guys. You don't understand, I'm going to fucking explode on the mound this season. Gonna destroy the fucking league.

JOHN DANKS: I'm excited too. Last year sucked, but I got the new contract. This organization believes in me, and I want to show them they made the right decision.

PHILIP HUMBER: I'm just happy to be here!

COOPER: All right, boys. Let's do some stretching before we start to run.

The players are stretching for two seconds when...

PEAVY: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH! MY ARM!!! HOLY SHIT I THINK IT'S BROKEN!!!!

PIERZYNSKI TO SANTIAGO: Jake se rompió el brazo, Héctor.

PEAVY: IT HURTS SO MUCH!!!

COOPER: For fuck's sake...

Herm Schneider comes running out, performs some tests on Peavy's arm

SCHNEIDER: You're fine Jake. You didn't pull anything, you have full range of motion. You were just stiff, which is why you stretched before running.

PEAVY: You sure, Herm? I'm in a lot of pain, but if you think I'm good, I'll BULLDOG through it.

SCHNEIDER: I'm sure.

COOPER: All right, now that that bullshit is over, let's go! Run like the wind, assholes.

The players begin to run and get about ten yards when....

PEAVY: OH SHIT!! MY LEG JUST FELL RIGHT THE FUCK OFF!!

Peavy's leg lays detached on the ground behind him

PIERZYNSKI TO SANTIAGO: Su pierna está rota. Se cayó. No es bueno.

SANTIAGO: I'm not fucking blind, you idiot!

COOPER: Holy shit.

SCHNEIDER: Can I just shoot him?

Warm ups end early and the players are all back in the locker room

PIERZYNSKI: Man, what a fucked up day, huh?

DANKS: I can't believe he couldn't even get through the first run of spring.

SANTIAGO: I can't believe they let Hermie shoot him.

PIERZYNSKI: Holy shit, you guys! Hector's speaking English! I taught him how to speak English in one fucking day! This team is going to be all right!

SANTIAGO: I told you, man. I'M FROM AMERICA. I WAS BORN IN NEW JERSEY. I'M AN AMERICAN.

PIERZYNSKI: Ohhh, I get it. WINK WINK. You're an AMERICAN. Can't be too safe here in Arizona. Don't worry, your secret is safe with A.J.

SANTIAGO: You can't really be this dumb.

Danks motions to Santiago to just go along with it

SANTIAGO: Gracias, A.J. Le agradezco su apoyo.

CHRIS SALE: So has anyone seen Gavin yet?

DANKS: Nope.

HUMBER: No.

FLOWERS: Me either.

SALE: Where the hell is he?


GAVIN FLOYD: HEY EVERYBODY, I'M REALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO BEING ON THE TEAM THIS YEAR.

SERGIO SANTOS: Gavin? What the hell are you doing here?

FLOYD: I AM THE NEWEST MEMBER OF THE TORONTO BLUE JAYS. WE ARE TOGETHER AGAIN, MY DEAREST SERGIO.

SANTOS: No we're not. You're still on the White Sox. Who said you were a Blue Jay?

FLOYD: MY WIFE'S SISTER'S HAIRDRESSER WHO ALSO DOES THE HAIR OF THE WOMAN THAT IS DATING ALEX ANTHOPOLOUS' ASSISTANT SAW IT ON THE TWITTERS.

SANTOS: Oh. Well, welcome to the Blue Jays!

2 comments:

Feel free to vent about how much any player sucks, but no hate speech directed at anybody, be it a player or a fellow commenter.