Monday, January 23, 2012

NotHawk's Monday Mailbag - No I Will Not Shack Up With You

Every Monday on South Side Asylum NotHawk will answer your questions. Your questions do not have to be related to the White Sox, for NotHawk is the smartest man in the world and has answers for everything. He is also incredibly handsome. Send your questions to or ask him on Twitter.

"Hey Hawk, u going to sox convention? I got a hotel [room] if u want to drop in." - @whitesoxrule14

No, unfortunately I can't make it this year. Some things just came up. Now, do me a favor, and do not read the rest of this post. Go White Sox!

(I'm going to be at SoxFest this year, but holy shit I do not want to let this guy know that. I've lured enough prostitutes to their deaths in hotel rooms in my time to know that this guy is planning on killing me and then having sex with my lifeless corpse.)

"How rewarding was it to invent the batting club?" - @NeilGrand

I assume you mean batting glove because not only did I not invent the batting club, but I don't even know what the fuck a batting club is.  Is that what you call a baseball bat? Are you from England or something? Those assholes don't even speak English, so if you are, I understand the translation error.

As for how rewarding was it, not at all. I was young and dumb. I didn't patent it. Instead I showed everybody for free and they started doing it. Though mine was actually a golf glove when I first started using it.

Either way, I didn't make a damn dime off of it, which blows. Though I'm still rich, so at least I wipe away my tears with $100 bills.

"Sox gave Connie's Pizza the boot last year for DiGiorno rising crust and then fall flat. Thoughts? I'll hang up and listen." - @ChiSoxFanDan

Did they? I get all my pizza from the Bertucci Boys, so I didn't notice.

Now, I'm not sure if you're asking me about the difference in pizzas, or if I think the pizza switch is what caused the White Sox to suck. Since I'm nice, I'll answer both.

I prefer my pizza with a thinner crust, so that rising crust shit can get the fuck out of here. My wife brought some of those DiGiornos home from the store and the crust cut the roof of my fucking mouth. I hate that shit, because then everything you eat for the next day fucking hurts. I also don't like when they put too much cheese on a pizza. I can live with it, but I usually order it well done.

And then the assholes don't listen. So the pizza shows up and it's this big fucking pile of oozy cheese, and when you pick up a piece, it rips the cheese off the piece next to it and HOLY SHIT YOU HAVEN'T SEEN ME ANGRY UNTIL THIS HAPPENS TO A PIZZA I'M EATING.

One time when this happened I ordered another pizza from the same place the next day. When the delivery boy showed up, I knocked his ass out, dragged him inside and chained him in my basement for a week. I then used him as my own personal indoor driving range. Anytime he passed out from a golf ball to the dome I knew I drove that bitch at least 300 yards.

As for whether this affected the White Sox, you saw Adam Dunn's fat ass last season, you tell me.

"How many games before Robin Ventura punches Brent Morel in the face, or gets put in a headlock and punched in the skull repeatedly?" - @FayVincent

Listen, I would not punch Brent Morel in the face. Have you seen the nose on that kid? As somebody with a large nose myself, I can tell you that punching that in the face is the best way in the world to break your hand.

As for the headlock, I'd say 4 games. I figure it will be that long until the Sox get their first win, and I will then celebrate by putting Robin in a headlock and punching him in the skull repeatedly.

"Who would you rather follow you and do play-by-play of typical night of you on the town? Chip Caray or random foreign soccer announcer?" - @Ryan_Chambers

Excellent question. Also easy to answer. Random foreign soccer announcer.

It'll either be a British guy who makes my dump sound classy, or that Spanish guy who screams "GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAL!!" every time I orgasm.

If I chose Chip Caray he'd just slowly poison me until I died and he could take my job like he did with his grandfather.

Thanks for the questions, we'll do it again next week.

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