Monday, January 16, 2012

NotHawk's Monday Mailbag - Gordon Beckham Knows What's Up


Every Monday on South Side Asylum NotHawk will answer your questions. Your questions do not have to be related to the White Sox, for NotHawk is the smartest man in the world and has answers for everything. He is also incredibly handsome. Send your questions to NotHawk@gmail.com or ask him on Twitter.

Hawk, you are so good looking. Don't you ever die. - @GordonBeckham

This is not a question, but it's a wise observation. The man may have trouble catching up to any fastball above his waist, but he knows handsome when he sees it. As for my death, as I've said many times, there is so much cocaine flowing through my veins that I have become immortal. So don't you worry your pretty little head about me, Gordon. Just try hitting .250.

Who's the biggest heinie-bird in Chicago? - @JJStankevitz

This question used to be a lot easier to answer, but then Jay Mariotti decided that he'd move to Los Angeles and choke the shit out of some women. A decision that left a gaping hole in this city's heinie-bird population. The only person who comes close to living up to Mariotti is Oney Guillen, but even he spends half the year outside the city, so I'm not sure he counts.

So I'll just go ahead and say Darrin Jackson. Why I haven't killed him yet I'll never know.

What are the chances Adam Dunn's home run total is higher than the size of his waist in inches? - @ShootsDogs

At first I though Michael Vick was sending me a question, but then I remembered he merely drowns dogs. Whatever your method of killing dogs is, this is a great question, and one that's very easy to answer.

The only problem is we just don't know how fat Adam Dunn is going to be when he shows up to Arizona this spring. For the sake of the question we'll just say that lardo was serious about working out over the winter and shows up with a 38-inch waist.

Not that it really matters, because unless Adam gets AIDS or becomes a bulimic and shows up with a 24-inch waist, he's not going to out-homer his gut.

Have you ever had sex with a tranny hooker? - @Wardo2178

Post-op or pre-op?

If you could kill anyone on the Sox BESIDES Rios, who would it be? - @bjo109

Jake Peavy. Not because I dislike him for any reason, but because Jake Peavy COMPETES. He is a COMPETITOR. And if I'm going to fight a man to the death, I want that man to BULLDOG his way through the fight.

Plus I've always wanted to know what a muscle ripping clean off the bone sounds like, and with Jake, I'd find out.

Did you blow your load quicker when Ken Griffey Jr "hosed" the Twinkie out at home to help win the division (the 2008 tie-breaker) or when DeWayne Wise made "the catch" for Buehrle? - Lucas Snyder

Lucas, you did not include your Twitter handle in your email. NOW YOU WILL NEVER BECOME FAMOUS.

As for the answer to your question, no load comes quicker than any other. They are all powerful and they all impregnate any women within 50 feet.

What will it take for us to sign Cespedes? What is your take on the recent singing of that 16 year-old Venezuelan pitcher and are the Sox finally going become a player on the international markets in places other than Communist islands in the Carribean? - @xwingr2

Two questions in one. You're a cheating bastard.

What will it take to sign Cespedes? The same thing it takes to sign any free agent. Money. If the White Sox offer Cespedes more money than any other team does, then Cespedes is going to sign with the White Sox. All that bullshit about the White Sox having a history with Cuban players won't have any effect on his decision.

As for the Venezuelan kid, Luis Martinez, I don't think the White Sox will become a "player" on the international market in the way I think you mean. New rules go into effect next year that will limit a team's ability to do so. I think Kenny is just finally ready to spend money on the international market once again after getting bent over a table and fucked by Dave Wilder. It took a while for his ass to recover from that.

How many greased golf tees have you put in your butt over the years, and what sized pliers do you use to remove them? - Robert Montgomery

Another question without a Twitter handle. This is the first edition of the mailbag, so I'm letting it slide. But let's try and get our shit together in the future, people.

How many tees? I've lost count, honestly. At least 500, maybe more. Every once in a while I take a dump, feel a pinch and then see a tee floating in the toilet below. It's just part of the danger that comes with the territory of backing up your words with action.

As for the pliers, the kind I have are made by Stanley. They're a needle-nose size because it's just more comfortable that way.

Until next week.

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