Wednesday, December 21, 2011

How To Choose A Second Team


Fellow White Sox fans, this season is going to suck. You know it. I know it. Everybody knows it. You can choose to fool yourselves with the "Adam Dunn and Alex Rios will bounce back, so will Gordon Beckham and the pitching staff won't miss Buehrle!" all you want, but inside, you know you're full of shit.

None of that is going to happen. What we've got before us is a six month stretch of being kicked in the balls by Jon Jones.

It's going to be hard to watch this squad all year, and unlike me, you don't actually have to. I'm being paid, you aren't. I'm not saying you should abandon the team this season, only assholes do that, but you should definitely invest some time in another team this year. You may as well enjoy baseball.

So I'm here to help. I'm going to help you decide on who your second team should be in 2012. The team that you can watch when the Sox aren't playing or you just can't stomach the Good Guys at the moment.

There are no concrete rules, but there are some guidelines you should follow.
  1. PICK A NATIONAL LEAGUE TEAM. The National League is boring and you're more familiar with American League teams, but you need to go across to the other side of the aisle. You don't want any conflicts with the White Sox. 
  2. DON'T PICK THE CUBS. They're rebuilding too, so it's not like things will be any better there, even if it is easier to follow them. Plus, you're a White Sox fan. Have some self fucking respect. 
  3. DON'T PICK THE MARLINS. It's easy to go to the Marlins. Ozzie is there. Buehrle is there. Seems right, no? Well, it isn't. Trust me, it sounds cool now but after seeing Mark Buehrle pitching in a Marlins jersey a few times you'll only want to kill yourself. Plus, if you root for the Marlins, then you're no better than Joe Cowley. You don't want to be Joe Cowley do you? Not even Joe Cowley wants to be Joe Cowley. He wants to be Ben Roethlisberger. Ben Roethlisberger wants to be me.
So with those guidelines in place, let's start breaking down the options in front of us.

PHILADELPHIA PHILLIES

Pros - It's a good team, and one that is likely going to compete for a playoff spot. 

Cons - You really want to be a Phillies fan? 

NEW YORK METS

Pros - Um, hmmmm. They're kind of like the White Sox of New York?

Cons - They are the Mets.

WASHINGTON NATIONALS

Pros - You probably don't know any other Nationals fans, so you're on your own. Also, this team has actual prospects waiting to come up, and you can finally understand what that feels like.

Cons - Probably not going to be that good.

ATLANTA BRAVES

Pros - Just about always in contention every year, 2012 shouldn't be any different.

Cons - Still reeks of Ted Turner.

CINCINNATI REDS

Pros - Division rivals of Cubs. Seem to be going for it in 2012, have an exciting offense in a park made for offense.

Cons - Be prepared for a lot of Brennaman.

PITTSBURGH PIRATES

Pros - Andrew McCutcheon is pretty good.

Cons - Nobody else on the roster is.

ST. LOUIS CARDINALS

Pros - The defending champs, and Tony La Russa is gone, so you don't have to worry about all those bullpen moves slowing the game down. Cubs arch-rival.

Cons - Albert Pujols is gone too. So while the team is still good, it's not as good.

HOUSTON ASTROS

Pros - None whatsoever.

Cons - Anything you can think of.

MILWAUKEE BREWERS

Pros - Not far away at all, so if you wanted to, you could go to a game at Miller Park. A big rival of the Cubs. 

BIGGEST PROS - During home games, you can stare at these big ol' pros behind the plate.



Cons - Have you ever been to Milwaukee? Oh, and Ryan Braun is going to miss a third of the season and Prince Fielder is gone.

ARIZONA DIAMONDBACKS

Pros - Like all the west coast teams, their games generally start when the Sox are finishing. Also, if you watch the Diamondbacks you'll see all the players Kenny has already traded or is waiting to trade for.

Cons - With Mark Grace in the booth and Kirk Gibson in the dugout, PREPARE TO BE GRITTY.

COLORADO ROCKIES

Pros - Troy Tulowitzki and Carlos Gonzalez.

Cons - They wear purple, and you don't want to wear purple. Also, Coors Field tends to smell like a cow pasture.

LOS ANGELES DODGERS

Pros - Vin Scully. He's like me, but not quite as good.

Cons - Since you're not a real Dodger fan, the gangbangers in the bleachers will probably kill you.

SAN DIEGO PADRES

Pros - Nobody else is a Padres fan. It's a nice park, even if it's huge and doesn't lead to a lot of runs.

Cons - Hope you like 1-0 games every other day.

SAN FRANCISCO GIANTS

Pros - An awesome ballpark, good announcers. Some great pitchers to watch.

Cons - You've seen enough Brian Wilson in the last 15 months to last 50 lifetimes.

There you have it. All the information you need on your choices for a second team. Study it and use the information to come to a decision on who your second team will be in 2012.

Personally, I'm leaning toward the tits.

1 comment:

  1. The Giants have been my second team for a few years now. You can do worse.

    ReplyDelete

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