Monday, November 7, 2011

I Was Misquoted By The Daily Herald


I'm an important man and because I'm so important there are many people out there who want some of my time. I can't go to the local grocery store without being hassled by my fans asking for autographs or stories about YAZ while I'm fondling melons in the produce section.

It's the price of fame. I try not to complain about it too much, but the truth is that all you regular people are annoying and I wish you'd all just leave me the fuck alone.

No matter, this is the Hawkaroo's cross to bear. Much like Jesus I will carry it without complaint. Unfortunately, I'm also like Jesus in that people take the words I say and contort them whichever way they so choose.

The most recent example of this was in an interview I did with Scot Gregor of the Daily Herald. You can read it here if you want to, but odds are you don't subscribe to the Daily Herald, so those cheap bastards won't let you read it.

Which is for the best, because those assholes completely changed my answers to every question, and I won't stand for it! So I'll publish the entire interview here so that you can all know the truth.

Q. You signed a four-year contract at the end of the season that will carry you through your 74th birthday. Is there another deal after that?

How the fuck should I know? It's a bit of a catch-22. I won't be dead before my new contract is up because there is so much cocaine flowing through my blood that I've now officially become immortal. I'm like a god damn vampire Charlie Sheen and shit. What I don't know is how effective my immortality can be against having to watch four more years of White Sox baseball. This team has killed millions already and it will kill millions more.

Will I be one of them? I don't know, but if I do live through this and the White Sox want to give me another deal, then yes, I'll sign it. Killing hookers is free, but paying off the local sanitation department to dispose of the bodies isn't.

Q. Is Ventura a good choice to replace Ozzie Guillen as manager?

Not as good a choice as I would have been. Listen, I love Robin. He's one of my favorite players since I've been a part of this organization, but that doesn't mean he can out-manage the Hawk. I told Reinsdorf that I should replace Ozzie about 10 minutes after his farewell press conference.

That asshole laughed at me as if I were joking. Well, we'll see which one of us is laughing next season.

Q. What about Ventura having no coaching or managing experience on any professional level?

You know who did have professional coaching experience before being hired by the White Sox? Terry Bevington.

Q. Was it time for Ozzie to go?

Holy shit you ask a lot of dumb fucking questions, Scot. Did you watch this team at all in 2010? Fuck yes it was time for Ozzie to go. He stopped giving a shit about this team a long time ago, which he practically admitted in his press conference in Miami. I love him, but he can still go fuck himself.

Q. What are your thoughts on Adam Dunn?

My thoughts on Adam Dunn are usually along the lines of "Well, here comes an out." That being said, I also think Adam will have a better season in 2011 than he did in 2010. He basically has to. So I bet my wife a dozen golf balls about this because she's an idiot and I can always use a dozen golf balls.

You can hollow out the golf balls and store your cocaine in them, and that makes it a lot easier to smuggle drugs through an airport. Nobody at the TSA knows what the inside of a golf ball looks like, so that shit passes right through without anyone batting an eyelash.

My wife, she has no idea what's happening, so even if Dunn hits .190 next season I can say he did better, and then she'll have to buy me a dozen balls. A dozen balls which I won't even use because whenever I tell her I'm going golfing I'm usually out snorting cocaine off a 21-year old girl with daddy issues.

Q. How badly did Dunn drag down the White Sox?

He was definitely part of the problem, but last I checked it wasn't Adam's call to put him in the lineup every god damn day and have him hitting fourth. That was the asshole in Miami.

Q. Will the dugout change help the Sox?

It'll definitely help communication in the dugout, as the players will finally be able to understand the words coming out of their manager's mouth. The best thing Robin can probably do though is whatever the hell Paul Konerko tells him to. He's the captain, and captains outrank managers.

Q. Is Mark Buehrle coming back?

I think so, but I don't know for sure. I'm not the general manager, Kenny is. If I were the general manager I'd definitely sign Buehrle to a new deal and then trade him for Jose DeLeon. I still think that kid has a ton of potential. If DeLeon's not available, then maybe I trade Buehrle for Jerry Sands or Carlos Gomez.

There, that was the interview. The truth is now out there.

As for you, Scot Gregor, I suggest you watch your back. You never know when the Hawk is gonna swoop down and get his revenge.

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