Wednesday, October 5, 2011

NotHawk At The Movies: Moneyball

Yeah, that's right, the Hawkaroo went to see Moneyball on Tuesday afternoon. The Hawk likes going to the movies once in a while, and even though I think Billy Beane is the most overrated person on the face of the planet, I still went.

Brad Pitt's just so fucking dreamy.

Anyway, if you haven't seen it, or aren't familiar with the book, Moneyball is a movie about a guy named Billy Beane that has a 12-year old daughter who is a rock star. At least, that's what I think it's about. Honestly I only went to see it because I got really drunk on Tuesday and a friend dared me.

But from the parts I remember between the blackouts, most of the movie is Billy Beane spending time with his daughter at the guitar store when she's just getting her career started. Then the next thing you know, Billy Beane is at the airport with his daughter like all the fucking time as she's flying all over the country on her big rock star tour, singing the only god damn song she's written, and she didn't write it. It's a cover of something, I don't know what.

So, like, she becomes a rock star, and then Billy Beane uses the success and money from her record sales to buy a baseball team that he runs on his computer with the fat kid from Superbad. They then use nerd math to convince themselves that shitty baseball players like that guy from Parks and Recreation are actually good, and say things like "in order to win the division we need to score 811 runs while only giving up 674."

They then go on to figure out ways to score 811 runs using nerd math without ever pretending that finding people to keep the opponent from scoring more than 674 runs is important too.

Also, what a breakthrough by Billy and Superbad, figuring out that if your team has a run differential of +137 then you're going to win more games.

They've changed the way the game is played!

So, anyway, the movie goes on for a while, and the daughter's star continues to rise to the point where she's now still on tour and writing songs about her dad being a loser, using that angst to sell millions of records to all the angry teens.

As for her dad, he gets offered another job or something, and they offer to pay him $12.5 million if he takes it, but he decides not to because some fat catcher trips rounding first base.

Because he's a genius.

Overall, I say you should go see it if you've got a 12-pack and are looking for a couple hours to help kill it. Just remember that there's no nudity, so you'll have to bring your own porn.

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