Friday, September 30, 2011

The White Sox Need A New Leader, And I Am That Leader

My fellow White Sox fans, the moment we've all been expecting for a while now finally came earlier this week. Ozzie Guillen is no longer the manager of our Chicago White Sox. Some of you are no doubt upset with this news, while others celebrate.

None of these feelings matter. Feel them now, and then get rid of them. The time has come to move on, and the White Sox need a new manager.

And that manager is me.

Think about it, who better to manage this team than I, NotHawk? I am the most intelligent baseball mind ever crapped out by the man upstairs.

I am the chosen one.

The man you need to keep this team up to Joe Cowley's hipster credibility, or standard of relevance.

I've already begun my campaign on Twitter, and I can tell by the amount of support I received that you agree with me. Still, some of you live in the stone age of 2008, and aren't on Twitter. So for you poor people without iPads, let me share with you some of the reasons why I should be the next manager of the Chicago White Sox.

#NotHawk4WhiteSoxManager BECAUSE I KNOW ALEXEI CAN'T FUCKING BUNT SO I WON'T KEEP MAKING HIM DO IT.Mon Sep 26 22:30:47 via TweetDeck

#NotHawk4WhiteSoxManager Because every time we play the Twins I'll plant land mines between home plate and the pitcher's mound.Mon Sep 26 22:45:18 via TweetDeck

#NotHawk4WhiteSoxManager Because my kids aren't on Twitter!Mon Sep 26 22:31:05 via TweetDeck

#NotHawk4WhiteSoxManager BECAUSE WHO THE FUCK ELSE ARE YOU GONNA HIRE? TERRY BEVINGTON!?Mon Sep 26 22:54:03 via TweetDeck

These are just some of the reasons. There are millions more. The most important one being because fuck you, that's why.

I realize that some of you may have some concerns about me managing the team. Mostly "But, Hawk! If you manage, I won't be able to read your tweets during the game!"

That's fucking stupid. It's the American League. I write out a lineup before the game starts and then I sit around for three hours watching the game while sneaking to the clubhouse for a beer every once in a while. This shit isn't hard, I'll have plenty of time to tweet.

As for my qualifications, I have a recommendation from one of the greatest baseball players of all time.

I once had a conversation with the great Ted Williams about his time as manager of the Washington Senators. Things didn't go very well for Ted as a manager, and I wanted to know if he had a theory as to why.

"Honestly, Hawk, I'm not sure," Teddy told me. "I think a lot of it had to do with me not understanding that a lot of these players just weren't capable of doing the things I did so easily. It was frustrating. I just don't think great players are cut out to be managers."

I let that sink in for a moment and Ted spoke again.

"You'd probably be great at it."

Ted Williams was an asshole, but he was also right. I would be great. I'd lead this team to a division title or I'd literally have my team beat the shit out of anybody that tried to stop us.

Isn't that the kind of man you want running your team?

You're god damn right it is.

NotHawk is a part-time contributor to South Side Asylum. He may or may not actually be Hawk Harrelson. You can follow him on Twitter @NotHawk.

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